Boundaries

Since the start of this vacation I’ve been busy meeting all my friends. Different plans with college friends, a few school friends…

Few days back I met one such friend from college. In our group she is – The Helper. She always helps her friends in need and helps everyone she can.

Even if it means she will loose something of her own. Even if she doesn’t need to help. Even if they are in a way using her for her help.

She told me she felt bad that she was always there for everyone, but when she needed someone, no one was there.

I felt bad for her. She needed my advice.

Before I could say anything she told me that she couldn’t quit helping others. She liked doing that even if they weren’t kind enough to acknowledge. But after a while she said… Maybe I do need to stop helping. I feel like I’m loosing myself along the way.

It happens when you care a lot. It happens when you can’t say NO.

There’s this interesting concept in psychology about setting boundaries.

It means being selective in what kind of behaviour you will allow and what kind of behaviour you won’t tolerate. It means letting them know… In a way teaching them how to treat you.

By praising and allowing the behaviour you want.

And stopping, restricting the behaviour you don’t like.

It is not easy always. Many people find it hard to disappoint their close ones and therefore accept even the behaviour they don’t like.

But ask yourself – By doing this are you being true to yourself and to them?

Would you like your relationship to be based on wrong information, fake feelings?

Or

Would you like to present yourself as you are to the person.. with all your messy thoughts and choices?

It also means choosing the people whom you invest your time and energy in.

Not everyone is worth your time and energy. You need to be selective. That’s for yourself and your well being. To protect your energy.

Think of it like this…

There is a door on the ground. It’s a door to your heart.

It is open. Everyone gets to come in and enjoy the warm sunshine inside.

But suddenly it starts getting crowded. So many people wanting to go in and enjoy the sunshine.

Even you don’t feel comfortable being with so many people. They all have different choices, opinions and they drain you. You feel exhausted.

So you take the door and put it on the top of the mountain.

Now, the people who take the effort to climb the mountain for you, get access to that sunshine in your heart.

They need to prove that they are willing to take care of you and let you in their sunlight as well. They need to show they are willing to take efforts as well.

That’s how you protect your energy.

That’s how you become selective at times whom you choose to help and how much you choose to offer.

It might seem hard, like you’re being mean or something.

But trust me when I say, setting boundaries has helped me a lot. It has saved my time and energy to a great extent. I’d like to encourage you all to set healthy boundaries.

When she told me about how lonely and exhausted she felt even after always being there for others.. I realised if she doesn’t stop helping people who don’t acknowledge her worth… She might never feel like helping anyone again.


It has been rightfully said that you can’t pour from a empty cup. You need to take care of yourself first. Make sure your needs are met while exhausting yourself to meet needs of someone else.


Note to self – 4 (letting go)

There are times when you realise you can’t carry on anymore with someone.

There are times when you realise your paths are now different. You want something else from life and they want something else.

There are times when you realise it’s hard to continue with them.

It’s the time when you need to ask yourself –

Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?

Dear me,

I know how much you want him. I know how much time you’ve spent planning future with him.

I understand the pain you are going through while ending this.

But you can’t stay like this forever. He isn’t treating you well, you need to choose what is right for yourself.

He may or may not change, but you can’t let yourself suffer until he decides to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

You need to stand up for yourself. It’s time. It’s better to let go than to hold on.

You owe it to yourself. While loving him, don’t forget you deserve your love first.

Don’t be scared that you might be alone. Yes you might be lonely for a while, but this too shall pass. You will feel free and in due course of time… Happy..

Sometimes it’s better to forgive and let go and move on with your life…..

With love and care,

Me

What’s next? Nah. I enjoy what’s now.

Everyone these days is waiting for something. Everyone is expecting something new, something different to happen.

We have gotten into the habit of asking ‘What’s next?’ , What’s the next big thing you want? What’s the next big thing you are waiting for?

It’s something like – when we’re children, we want to grow up. When we grow up, we want to become child again.

I mean we want some things to change, but when they do, we want to go back again.

This happens a lottt (hating your present and wishing it were different).

When you are single you wish you were engaged with someone, when you are, you again wish to be single.

When you are not earning you wish for the time you would, when the time comes, you wish to get out of it.

When you are in school you are excited about your college life. When you start going to college, you miss school.

When you are at home, you wish to step out and live on your own, when the time comes, you long for the warmth of your home.

Soo, instead of expecting something different – Why don’t we cherish our present moment?

If you do not enjoy a moment, you lose it forever. If you enjoy it, it is yours forever.

-Debasish Mridha

Don’t you think we should stop waiting for the next big thing and start enjoying our life moment to moment?

And when you start living the present moment, believe me you will find so many things that are beautiful right now. So much to appreciate. So much to notice. So much to feel.

As I write this – I’m at my home. There won’t be any lectures in college today. So am I waiting for the time when I’ll go to college and meet my friends? No. (i mean of course i want to meet them but i have decided to enjoy the present moment) When I’m at home I want to spend some time with my parents. I want to feel the moments when they are with me, we all are living together, I get to see them everyday. I want to notice the way they smile, I want to remember their voice when they say my name.

I want to enjoy time with my little sister. I want to make her laugh, I want to paint with her, play with her, sing and dance with her, watch her grow.

Because I know – This time won’t come back.

I choose to live it fully. I choose to feel the moments with my loved ones. I choose to stay in present.

Above all, we cannot afford not to live in the present. He is blessed over all mortals who loses no moment of the passing life in remembering the past.

– Henry David Thoreau

Look around you, everything that you see can change in a year.

Are there some people you want to spend more time with?

Are there some things you want to do for them?

Are there some plans you need to execute?

Are there any trips you want to plan?

Is there someone whom you want to remind of how loved he/she is?

Is there anything you need to do for yourself?

You better do it Right Now, because you haven’t seen tomorrow.

Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts.

– Pema Chodron

Even when you step into sunshine in winter. Close your eyes and feel it’s warmth. Feel that’s it’s 2019. This day will never come back. Open your eyes and notice the surroundings, do you find beauty? Smile at your friends and enjoy your time with them.

Many people are alive, but don’t touch the miracle of being alive.

– Thich Nath Hanh

There’s this beautiful poem I’d like to share –

Live In The Moment

Listen, feel, love completely;
Absorb, enjoy oh so sweetly.
Nothing exists but right now.
Show the world you know how.

Immersed, focused, involved;
Sad moments will be resolved
Just as joyous times go fast,
Sad’s shadow will lose its cast.

It’s but a moment all will live,
So leave an imprint that will give
Your signature on the past
So your moments now will last.

Gregory Huyette

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