Questions you need to ask yourself before criticising

There is no such thing as constructive criticism.

– Dale Carnegie

I agree 100% with Dale Carnegie.

There is no such thing as constructive criticism.

I’ve been criticised many times in my life. And I don’t remember one single criticism being “constructive”.

When someone criticises me I have (now) developed the habit to try to understand what exactly they want to say. But to be honest, I still hate the way they say it.

One friend of mine used to criticise me. Frequently.

After constantly hearing that – I felt like I could do nothing. I am good at nothing. I started overthinking her criticism. As she was a close friend of mine, it was hard for me to just let go of her opinions about me.

I don’t remember that criticism having any good impact on me.

In college however, my new friend believed in encouraging me. I remember making mistakes and she telling me how to get better without criticising.

I felt so good in her company. I enjoyed being with her more and I finally started working on myself.

And it just happened naturally, I mean if someone is caring so much for you, encouraging you, being kind to you, it’s hard not to improve.

Abilities wither under criticism, they blossom under encouragement.

– Dale Carnegie

If you take a closer look at your life, tell me how many times were you actually improved because someone criticised you?

Remember that time when someone criticised you? Think about how you felt.

I think we should let go of the prospect of “constructive criticism” and stop criticising at all.

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.

– Dale Carnegie

Let’s take a example –

You want your friend to bake a cake for you.

What would you do?

Would you shout at him for him being lazy all day and tell him to bake cake?

Or will you

Tell him that you’d be really happy if he could bake the cake for you, or that he bakes the best cakes in the town? (not flattery but genuine appreciation and encouragement)

Will you encourage the person to do so? Or criticise him?

The person is more likely to agree when encouraged.

Now put yourself in his shoes and think how would you like to be addressed.

I don’t doubt you would like to be encouraged.


Criticism – The expression of disapproval of something or someone on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes (From – dictionary)

If this criticism, I don’t think how can this be uplifting or positive or “constructive”😂

If you don’t like something, it’s always nice to tell the concerned person in a good and kind manner. Willingness to understand their perspective and look for a solution together is what brings actual results.

Otherwise you are just being rude and insensitive and calling your talk “constructive criticism”. You are wasting your time being rude and harsh and hurting the other person and spreading a whole lot of negativity.

If you want to add suggestions of how to improve – Then they should sound and feel like suggestions.

Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.

– Dale Carnegie

It always surprises me that the people who come to criticise you.. never… never ever come to appreciate you.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

– Dale Carnegie

Let’s stop criticising others (and yourself) and start understanding them. (and yourself).

Because you don’t ‘win friends and influence people through criticism’. You do so by understanding and being kind.

Next time you’re about to criticise someone, ask yourself these questions –

  1. What right do I have to criticise this person?
  2. Can I state my opinion in a more kind way?
  3. Have I walked in this person’s shoes?
  4. Do I know what it feels like to be in their position?
  5. Have I done it better in my own life?
  6. Has anyone asked my opinion? Is it the right time to say this?
  7. Can I be more understanding?
  8. Am I spreading hate about someone I don’t even know?

Disclaimer – Be completely honest to yourself while answering these questions.

If you get satisfactory answers after asking this to yourself and still think/feel that criticising is the right thing to do –

Go-ahead and do it (at your own risk!)


These were my honest views about criticism. I’m not against saying what you feel or giving suggestions – it does help people to improve. But I believe you can do that in a kind and understanding way. Without criticising.


To be honest I haven’t received any criticism on this blog yet. I am so happy and blessed to have all of you who constantly encourage me and are kind to me.

You guys encourage me to keep doing what I do and get better at it.

I appreciate every single one of you.

A big ‘THANK-YOU!!

Sending love and hugs to you❤️


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Note to self – 3 (healthy perspective)

There are so many ways to look at things. In fact there are many many different perspectives about one single thing.

Sometimes we don’t know the truth or we partially know the truth and we assume the rest.

For example –
You didn’t get selected in a interview.

There can be many reasons!

What do you tell yourself?

What are your thoughts?

“I’m not good enough.. I don’t have the necessary skills… I don’t think I’ll ever get the job”

Now these can be your immediate thoughts… I get it. 90% people might have this as their first response

But problem arises when you stick to those thoughts for… days, months or even years!

Can you imagine? You let that one single failure, one problem, one thought define your entire life.

You need to ask yourself –

Will thinking in this way help me?

Here’s “the story” you need to tell yourself –

Dear me,

I think you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. There are so many other ways to look at this.

I realise this is not the end of the world. I have many chances ahead of me. I won’t give up.

I’m just getting started. I might face some difficulties but I need to keep going and hope for the best.

I believe it’s me who has the power to choose my perspective. I choose the optimistic perspective. It may or may not turn out well, but its much better than having pessimist attitude and giving up.

By looking at the bright side I will at least get the motivation to keep going. Which I need the most right now.

And who knows…
Some problems are a blessing in disguise! 😉

You are blessed honey!

With love,
Me

Do you really think if you don’t love yourself, no one else will love you?

I have heard this a lot! ‘If you don’t love yourself, no one else will’.

Really?

I was with a narcissist. And that was the time when my self esteem was so low that even if he treated me like shit, I thought I deserved it and didn’t oppose much.

Then came a time when I didn’t love myself at all. I had no confidence, I felt like it’s always my fault – I mess up with everything, I could never be as amazing and as attractive as others are, I would never be successful, I can’t do anything.

I was critising myself every single time. I didn’t like myself the way I was. I could note down at least 100 things I wanted to change in me.

That was tough.

And stressful.

I didn’t love myself.

And now when I look back, I noticed a few things –

My friends were always there by my side, telling me how good I am at many other things.

But I didn’t believe that.

My best friend made efforts for me to take a break from this self blame game and enjoy myself.

My mom dad always made efforts to take care of me when I was stressed out.

They’d prepare my favourite food, take me somewhere I love, just to cheer me up.

They also tried to know what was bothering me and talk about possible solutions. But I didn’t tell them.

What could I possibly tell them?

I had no idea what I was doing with my life.

I really hated myself.

But people around me?

They didn’t.

My friends cared for me and my mom dad loved me.

I couldn’t see that. I wasn’t even able to return their love, maybe coz I didn’t love myself.

Our feelings can really trick us sometimes…

When you feel lonely, doesn’t mean you ARE lonely.

When you feel stupid, doesn’t mean you ARE stupid.

When you feel you are not worthy of worthy of happiness, doesn’t mean that’s true.

Feelings just come and go.

Now looking back I just want to tell that struggling Vrunda –

Don’t give up baby. I love you. Open your eyes and see! Everyone loves you. Get away from people who make you feel like you’re nothing.

You are valuable to me.

Moral of the story

Even when you hate yourself, look around and see. Maybe situation isn’t as worse as you think. Maybe it’s all in your head. Maybe next day you will be able to see how much others love you and value you and more than anything…. Maybe next day you will wake up and see how much you love yourself ❤️


And loving yourself is good… Actually it’s a need. It’s necessary.

But not a criteria to be fulfilled to be loved by others.

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