Let’s say your girlfriend tells you that she has been promoted at work.
How would you respond to it?
Will you say –
A. That’s good. Congrats!
B. But now you will have to work extra hours, have you thought about how to manage everything?
C. What’s for dinner?
D. Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!! Did your boss like the project you made a week ago? Tell me more about it. Let’s celebrate!
Okay so if you are being honest, maybe you’ll say something from A B and C.
The D option is mostly used by girls and their best friends! Am I right ladies?
(When you tell your girl that you’re promoted or something she’s gonna get really excited and insist you to tell the whole story – what happened, how you felt, everything! And then maybe you’ll end up celebrating all night)
Okay I don’t want to be biased here. But in my experience I haven’t received such type of response from my boyfriend or the boys friends that I have. But girls?! Oh the girls! They always say something like that.
You’re still not getting why am I talking about this are you?
Imagine you are telling your best friend or family member or your cousin about your promotion at work.
Which of the above reaction would you like them to give?
How will you feel when they say “good. congrats!”?
Maybe okay. Not so good.
How will you feel when they tell you about the new challenges or problems you might be facing?
That’s such a turnoff. You were so excited and now it’s ruined. Maybe you won’t feel like sharing good news with this person again (unless of course they play a major role in your life). But still a major turnoff.
How will you feel when they ignore what you are saying completely and talk about something else?
Ouch. Who does that? Definitely not telling you next time.
And how would you feel if they get all hyped up and enhance your mood, encourage you to relive the experience and tell them about it. When you see that spark in their eyes that they are really interested and genuinely happy for you, that will make your day.
No doubt. That’s the best response anyone can give. (I am telling you everything from now on. You’re my best friend! 😉 )
Okay so why am I talking so much about how to respond? Why does it matter so much?
It does.
Take a look at this research –
The work of Shelly Gable, a psychologist at the University of California–Los Angeles, has shown that how we respond to positive events, such as a person sharing his or her accomplishments with us, is a better predictor of relationship success than how we respond to negative events
She has shown 4 ways we respond to accomplishments –
A. That’s good. Congrats!
This is passive constructive response.
B. But now you will have to work extra hours, have you thought about how to manage everything?
This is active destructive response.
C. What’s for dinner?
This is passive destructive response.
D. Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!! Did your boss like the project you made a week ago? Tell me more about it. Let’s celebrate!
This active constructive response. (ACR)
ACR creates what Fredrickson and Joiner call “upward spirals” of positive emotions—extending the sharer’s enjoyment beyond the discovery or event itself, and building positive capacity so that the relationship will be better able to weather negative events.
– From the book – Joy of leadership (by Tal Ben Shahar and Angus Ridgway)
So research has found that how you respond to good news of eachother strengthens the relationship. And ACR, active constructive response is the best one to give.
Try next time giving such ACR feedback to your friends, colleagues or even family member’s good news.
Have you noticed this before?
That if someone responds to your good news with the same excitement and enthusiasm and is eager to listen and celebrate with you, you feel closer to that person emotionally.
I have definitely felt so before. (That’s the reason I adore my friends so much…)
But anyway,
Tell me about your experience. Will you try this? Lemme know what you think about it.
