Feeding ego or caring for others?

He was online.

I texted “hey”

One minute.

Two minutes.

Three minutes.

Four minutes.

Five minutes.

No reply.

Still online.

What was he doing?

He’s my boyfriend, is he talking to some other girl?

Maybe he’s busy.

So busy that he can’t even reply after 5 whole minutes?

Oh! He saw the message

Close his chat

Okay he’s typing

“Hi”

What? Just hi?

No apology? Sorry or anything?

He thinks I’m free?

Is he taking me for granted?

Hmm

I shouldn’t see his message soon.

I’ll make him wait.

5 mins?

10 mins?

Oh wait! He’s offline

What the hell?

He should wait for me

Why should I wait for him again?

This was the conversation going on in my mind.

Yesterday when my partner texted me a little late, all these things came to my mind.

I had this strange urge to take revenge. Not something big and scary but treating him the way he treated me. (Tbh it wasn’t his fault)


Doesn’t this happen to us?

Someone, especially our partner does something small and we get maddd. (coz we have such high expectations from them)

We don’t bother to ask what was the reason.

Our immediate impulse reaction is to take revenge. Do the same thing to them.

How silly and stupid that sounds?!

I mean this type of behavior is encouraged so much these days due to media. People making issue about little things that don’t even matter. But we make issue of everything.

Just because we want to feel important.

We want to satisfy our ego.

But is it really that important?

Even at the cost of your relationship?


Few days back I read a book by Deepak Chopra, it’s called “The Ultimate Happiness Prescription”.

Here’s a paragraph from this I could completely relate to –

1. Ego feels isolated and alone. Therefore it needs outside validation in order to belong and have worth.

2. The ego feels limited and bounded. Without power and control over others, it fears that it’s helplessness will be exposed.

And in the same book I read following quotes –

The conditions that make ego happy turn out to make who you really are very unhappy. There is no joy in being in charge, no love in controlling others, no expansion in defending the line between right and wrong.

– Deepak Chopra

.

Sometimes love is blocked by the need to be right,to cling to your own viewpoint instead of surrendering to what love would do.

– Deepak Chopra


After remembering this I let go of my anger and replied to him.

He was actually checking some important notice on WhatsApp and reading it to his parents.

I realised I was wrong and thought too much.

I won’t lie sometimes I do get desparate and want to know what’s going on, I do have these negative thoughts. But I don’t act on those anymore.

I try to stay patient and things become clear eventually.

When we try to satisfy ego, we might loose what really matters to us – people.


What’s the best way to respond to good news?

Let’s say your girlfriend tells you that she has been promoted at work.

How would you respond to it?

Will you say –

A. That’s good. Congrats!

B. But now you will have to work extra hours, have you thought about how to manage everything?

C. What’s for dinner?

D. Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!! Did your boss like the project you made a week ago? Tell me more about it. Let’s celebrate!

Okay so if you are being honest, maybe you’ll say something from A B and C.

The D option is mostly used by girls and their best friends! Am I right ladies?

(When you tell your girl that you’re promoted or something she’s gonna get really excited and insist you to tell the whole story – what happened, how you felt, everything! And then maybe you’ll end up celebrating all night)

Okay I don’t want to be biased here. But in my experience I haven’t received such type of response from my boyfriend or the boys friends that I have. But girls?! Oh the girls! They always say something like that.

You’re still not getting why am I talking about this are you?

Imagine you are telling your best friend or family member or your cousin about your promotion at work.

Which of the above reaction would you like them to give?

How will you feel when they say “good. congrats!”?

Maybe okay. Not so good.

How will you feel when they tell you about the new challenges or problems you might be facing?

That’s such a turnoff. You were so excited and now it’s ruined. Maybe you won’t feel like sharing good news with this person again (unless of course they play a major role in your life). But still a major turnoff.

How will you feel when they ignore what you are saying completely and talk about something else?

Ouch. Who does that? Definitely not telling you next time.

And how would you feel if they get all hyped up and enhance your mood, encourage you to relive the experience and tell them about it. When you see that spark in their eyes that they are really interested and genuinely happy for you, that will make your day.

No doubt. That’s the best response anyone can give. (I am telling you everything from now on. You’re my best friend! 😉 )

Okay so why am I talking so much about how to respond? Why does it matter so much?

It does.

Take a look at this research –

The work of Shelly Gable, a psychologist at the University of California–Los Angeles, has shown that how we respond to positive events, such as a person sharing his or her accomplishments with us, is a better predictor of relationship success than how we respond to negative events

She has shown 4 ways we respond to accomplishments –

A. That’s good. Congrats!

This is passive constructive response.

B. But now you will have to work extra hours, have you thought about how to manage everything?

This is active destructive response.

C. What’s for dinner?

This is passive destructive response.

D. Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!! Did your boss like the project you made a week ago? Tell me more about it. Let’s celebrate!

This active constructive response. (ACR)

ACR creates what Fredrickson and Joiner call “upward spirals” of positive emotions—extending the sharer’s enjoyment beyond the discovery or event itself, and building positive capacity so that the relationship will be better able to weather negative events.

– From the book – Joy of leadership (by Tal Ben Shahar and Angus Ridgway)

So research has found that how you respond to good news of eachother strengthens the relationship. And ACR, active constructive response is the best one to give.

Try next time giving such ACR feedback to your friends, colleagues or even family member’s good news.

Have you noticed this before?

That if someone responds to your good news with the same excitement and enthusiasm and is eager to listen and celebrate with you, you feel closer to that person emotionally.

I have definitely felt so before. (That’s the reason I adore my friends so much…)

But anyway,

Tell me about your experience. Will you try this? Lemme know what you think about it.

Other people

Think of a time you were happiest.

Maybe when your crush said yes to you, maybe when you won something you’ve worked hard for and celebrated with your friends and family, maybe on your family trip to Kulu-Manali last year…….

Did you notice one common factor in all these incidents? You were surrounded by people. Your loved ones. People who care for you, people who matter to you. Winning maybe not the ultimate joy or something really memorable, but sharing that win with your family and friends is really something that touches your heart.

Do you remember the last time you brought the cool watch, latest mobile phone, brand new car?

Maybe it failed to make you happy in the long run and you still rate this happiness after rating happy moments with your family and friends.

Remember the last time you did something good for someone.. how did it feel?

I know it must’ve felt awesome!

Researchers did a small study to test this. They made two groups of participants.

They gave 20$ to each participant and for one group they told to spend the money on themselves. To other group they told to spend money on doing something good for others. Maybe giving treat to a friend or buying something nice for your younger sibling.

The second group reported more happiness and satisfaction as compared to first group. Spending money on others does make you happier.

Maybe that’s the reason rich people tend to donate so much amount in charity. It helps others as well as makes them happy too.

Scientists have found that doing a kindness produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise we’ve tested.- Martin Seligman

You see… People matter. Making them happy matters. Cultivating good positive relationships matters. That’s the only factor that would make us happier in the long run.

And not just for happiness. Even when you are at your lowest, what helped you heal?

Maybe your partner, your parents, your siblings or maybe you wanted to get better and improve just for these people. These people who mean the world to you.

We should try to stop being mean and ridiculing others just so we could justify ourselves. Stop pulling people down just because it makes you feel better about yourselves. Even if it does for a while, it’s shallow.

Real happiness lies being with people you love and having good quality relationships in your life.

Beauty of love

How do you know when you’re in love?

Maybe you know it when you close your eyes and you smile because you see his face.. his adorable face.. his soft lips.. his lovely eyes.. you also feel his kind, beautiful heart and feel extremely grateful for every single moment you’ve shared together

Maybe you know it when your heart aches when you see him cry, when you want to do everything you can to make his pain go away but you cannot do anything right now.. so you offer him hope.. and you pray for him with all your heart.. and sometimes just sit with him and share the pain

Maybe you know it when he cares for you genuinely and all you can do is feel grateful for his presence, for his love

Maybe you know it when after a longgg tiresome day, all you want to do is hear his voice and talk to him, be in his arms and then somehow everything seems to be okay..

Maybe you know it when he supports you and encourages you in such a way that you feel more of yourself when you are with him.. there comes this time when you actually start loving yourself more because you are in love with him.. you slowly start becoming a better person and growing in love

Maybe you know it when you realise his happiness matters the most.. when you both start making small sacrifices to see each other happy.. like his happiness is related to yours.. when seeing him happy makes you forget everything.. it’s almost as if world is moving in slow motion and you feel and enjoy the moment you both are together and happy.. and you just want to pause this time.. forever..

A book that taught me what is love

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

– The Notebook

Love..

Whenever i hear this word, the first name that comes to my mind is Noah-Allie.

I will be honest with you guys.. i didn’t really know what love truly is or how it really feels like to be in love until i read The Notebook.

I didn’t plan on falling in love with you and i doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us.

– The Notebook

From start till end.. it holds your attention and you can’t help but feel a small part of love that Noah and Allie feel for each other.

The story starts with an old man in a hospital who shares thoughts about his life and his beloved. It all starts with a notebook.. a notebook which has captured their memories, their pure, eternal love.

You are the answer to every prayer I’ve offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper and i dont know how i could have lived without you for as long as i have. I love you Allie, more than you can ever imagine. I always have and i always will.

– The Notebook

Reading that book really made me feel that perhaps there’s nothing better in this world than loving someone with all your heart and soul. There’s nothing as beautiful and as satisfying as loving someone and be loved in return. It taught me what it means to love someone unconditionally with all your heart.

There are so many books written about love, there are also some books that maybe misguide you or plant a wrong idea of love in your mind. For me, reading this book felt like understanding true love.

So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard! We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but i want to do that because i want you. I want all of you. Forever. You and me… Everyday

– The Notebook

I have cried many times while reading the book.. the letters they wrote for each other, the love they have for each other, the way they struggle to be together, all that makes my heart melt.

When you read the book, it just feels right. The way Nicholas Sparks has written it is outstanding!

While reading that i could actually connect to the characters and understand their emotions. That’s the thing about Nicholas Sparks’s books – he tells you everything about the character, you know why he is the way he is and you could really feel him.

You are every reason, every hope and every dream I’ve ever had and no matter what happens to us in future, every day we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.

– The Notebook

For me, Notebook is the best book on love and romance I’ve read till date. And it will always be special 💖

I haven’t really written a book review before and I don’t know how to articulate a book perfectly but i had to write about this one, because Notebook is ♥️.

I hope you read it at least once in your lifetime and more than that, I hope all of us get to experience love so pure and true.


Have you read The Notebook? Or any other book of Nicholas Sparks?

What’s your favourite quote from the book?

I’d ♥️ to know! 🙂

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