Feeding ego or caring for others?

He was online.

I texted “hey”

One minute.

Two minutes.

Three minutes.

Four minutes.

Five minutes.

No reply.

Still online.

What was he doing?

He’s my boyfriend, is he talking to some other girl?

Maybe he’s busy.

So busy that he can’t even reply after 5 whole minutes?

Oh! He saw the message

Close his chat

Okay he’s typing

“Hi”

What? Just hi?

No apology? Sorry or anything?

He thinks I’m free?

Is he taking me for granted?

Hmm

I shouldn’t see his message soon.

I’ll make him wait.

5 mins?

10 mins?

Oh wait! He’s offline

What the hell?

He should wait for me

Why should I wait for him again?

This was the conversation going on in my mind.

Yesterday when my partner texted me a little late, all these things came to my mind.

I had this strange urge to take revenge. Not something big and scary but treating him the way he treated me. (Tbh it wasn’t his fault)

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Doesn’t this happen to us?

Someone, especially our partner does something small and we get maddd. (coz we have such high expectations from them)

We don’t bother to ask what was the reason.

Our immediate impulse reaction is to take revenge. Do the same thing to them.

How silly and stupid that sounds?!

I mean this type of behavior is encouraged so much these days due to media. People making issue about little things that don’t even matter. But we make issue of everything.

Just because we want to feel important.

We want to satisfy our ego.

But is it really that important?

Even at the cost of your relationship?

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Few days back I read a book by Deepak Chopra, it’s called “The Ultimate Happiness Prescription”.

Here’s a paragraph from this I could completely relate to –

1. Ego feels isolated and alone. Therefore it needs outside validation in order to belong and have worth.

2. The ego feels limited and bounded. Without power and control over others, it fears that it’s helplessness will be exposed.

And in the same book I read following quotes –

The conditions that make ego happy turn out to make who you really are very unhappy. There is no joy in being in charge, no love in controlling others, no expansion in defending the line between right and wrong.

– Deepak Chopra

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Sometimes love is blocked by the need to be right,to cling to your own viewpoint instead of surrendering to what love would do.

– Deepak Chopra

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After remembering this I let go of my anger and replied to him.

He was actually checking some important notice on WhatsApp and reading it to his parents.

I realised I was wrong and thought too much.

I won’t lie sometimes I do get desparate and want to know what’s going on, I do have these negative thoughts. But I don’t act on those anymore.

I try to stay patient and things become clear eventually.

When we try to satisfy ego, we might loose what really matters to us – people.

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What’s the best way to respond to good news?

Let’s say your girlfriend tells you that she has been promoted at work.

How would you respond to it?

Will you say –

A. That’s good. Congrats!

B. But now you will have to work extra hours, have you thought about how to manage everything?

C. What’s for dinner?

D. Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!! Did your boss like the project you made a week ago? Tell me more about it. Let’s celebrate!

Okay so if you are being honest, maybe you’ll say something from A B and C.

The D option is mostly used by girls and their best friends! Am I right ladies?

(When you tell your girl that you’re promoted or something she’s gonna get really excited and insist you to tell the whole story – what happened, how you felt, everything! And then maybe you’ll end up celebrating all night)

Okay I don’t want to be biased here. But in my experience I haven’t received such type of response from my boyfriend or the boys friends that I have. But girls?! Oh the girls! They always say something like that.

You’re still not getting why am I talking about this are you?

Imagine you are telling your best friend or family member or your cousin about your promotion at work.

Which of the above reaction would you like them to give?

How will you feel when they say “good. congrats!”?

Maybe okay. Not so good.

How will you feel when they tell you about the new challenges or problems you might be facing?

That’s such a turnoff. You were so excited and now it’s ruined. Maybe you won’t feel like sharing good news with this person again (unless of course they play a major role in your life). But still a major turnoff.

How will you feel when they ignore what you are saying completely and talk about something else?

Ouch. Who does that? Definitely not telling you next time.

And how would you feel if they get all hyped up and enhance your mood, encourage you to relive the experience and tell them about it. When you see that spark in their eyes that they are really interested and genuinely happy for you, that will make your day.

No doubt. That’s the best response anyone can give. (I am telling you everything from now on. You’re my best friend! 😉 )

Okay so why am I talking so much about how to respond? Why does it matter so much?

It does.

Take a look at this research –

The work of Shelly Gable, a psychologist at the University of California–Los Angeles, has shown that how we respond to positive events, such as a person sharing his or her accomplishments with us, is a better predictor of relationship success than how we respond to negative events

She has shown 4 ways we respond to accomplishments –

A. That’s good. Congrats!

This is passive constructive response.

B. But now you will have to work extra hours, have you thought about how to manage everything?

This is active destructive response.

C. What’s for dinner?

This is passive destructive response.

D. Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!! Did your boss like the project you made a week ago? Tell me more about it. Let’s celebrate!

This active constructive response. (ACR)

ACR creates what Fredrickson and Joiner call “upward spirals” of positive emotions—extending the sharer’s enjoyment beyond the discovery or event itself, and building positive capacity so that the relationship will be better able to weather negative events.

– From the book – Joy of leadership (by Tal Ben Shahar and Angus Ridgway)

So research has found that how you respond to good news of eachother strengthens the relationship. And ACR, active constructive response is the best one to give.

Try next time giving such ACR feedback to your friends, colleagues or even family member’s good news.

Have you noticed this before?

That if someone responds to your good news with the same excitement and enthusiasm and is eager to listen and celebrate with you, you feel closer to that person emotionally.

I have definitely felt so before. (That’s the reason I adore my friends so much…)

But anyway,

Tell me about your experience. Will you try this? Lemme know what you think about it.

Woman work

I’ve got the children to tend
The clothes to mend
The floor to mop
The food to shop
Then the chicken to fry
The baby to dry
I got company to feed
The garden to weed
I’ve got shirts to press
The tots to dress
The cane to be cut
I gotta clean up this hut
Then see about the sick
And the cotton to pick.

Shine on me, sunshine
Rain on me, rain
Fall softly, dewdrops
And cool my brow again.

Storm, blow me from here
With your fiercest wind
Let me float across the sky
‘Til I can rest again.

Fall gently, snowflakes
Cover me with white
Cold icy kisses and
Let me rest tonight.

Sun, rain, curving sky
Mountain, oceans, leaf and stone
Star shine, moon glow
You’re all that I can call my own.

– Maya Angelou

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Love this poem! ❤️ Hats off to all the woman who work very hard and manage home and work very well. I’d like to dedicate this to my mother as a thank you for countless sacrifices she’s done for me. For all the unconditional love she has given me❤️

And for all the mothers out there who continually struggle every day to make you happy. Sending lots of love and hugs❤️❤️❤️❤️

Things to understand

It’s true. When there are so many unhappy people around us, so many disasters going around.. you might feel guilty for being happy.

Tbh these days when I study positive psychology and it includes concepts of happiness and wellbeing I feel weird. Like why am I doing this? I’m not even in the mood of thinking about wellbeing when I’m seeing problems all around me.

But then I realised, positive psychology is not just about feeling happy emotions all the time.

When you are feeling low, you’re facing real problems and feeling like you are stuck in dark cave of hopelessness, positive psychology helps you accept your situation, believe that you can get out of this and helps you actually deal with the situation in a helpful way.

That made me get back to studies. Plus, it also encouraged me to apply all the interventions that I’m learning about in my daily life and benefit from that.

When you feel low, you don’t really want to do anything. Your attention is focused at one particular negative thing and you simply ignore everything positive that’s around you.

When we feel negative emotions our immediate response is fight or flight. We narrow down our focus. For human beings to survive this is necessary.

But at the same time there are benefits of feeling positive emotions.

When you feel better not only you take other things into consideration, you are more likely to contribute to others happiness.

We all know that we can’t give what we don’t have. What about happiness then?How could you make others happy when you are feeling low?

Again there’s nothing wrong with feeling low. I understand. These are tough times. We all are going through a lot. It’s okay to feel sadness, anger, grief. It’s completely natural. It’s human.

Take your time. Recharge. Refill yourself with love and care.

But remember you are not hurting anyone by being happy. In fact, research has proven this – you are much more likely to contribute to others happiness when you yourself are happy and grateful.

Take care guys!❤️

Taking responsibility

Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

– Victor Frankl

When you say you are responsible for your actions-

Someone would be like.. “oh! so now you’re blaming me for everything?!”

And someone would be like..

“that’s empowering! So it means that no matter what happens to me, I can still choose to react the way I want… Hmmm… Maybe I’ll try to react better next time and see if the situation gets better”

Choose the response that feels right for you.

With great power comes great responsibility.

Maybe we could also reframe that as –

With great responsibility comes great power!

This is true too!

There are 6 pillars of self esteem. (according to Nathaniel Brandon.)

One of those is “self responsibility”. It means when you take responsibility for you actions and your life, you report high self esteem.

What does it actually mean to take responsibility?

It means to not blame others for your misfortune and getting up, dusting off and improving things for yourself.

This is not always easy, I get it. But please understand it’s also liberating.

When you go through a breakup, you feel sad and isolated. We can’t numb feelings, allow yourself to feel that. Don’t blame him/her. Just accept what happened. (Okay maybe go through the stage of blaming, but don’t be stuck there. Move ahead.)

After a period of time when you are feeling a little better or things start to seem a little easier, take control of your life.

Do the things you can to get better. Emotionally and mentally.

Remember no one is going to do that for you. No one is coming to save you. And also remember that You yourself can and should save you.

We are each responsible for our own life. If you are holding anyone else accountable for your happiness, you are wasting your time. You must be fearless enough to give yourself the love you didn’t receive. Begin noticing how each day brings a new opportunity for your growth. Pay attention. Every choice gives you a chance to pave your own road. Keep moving. Full speed ahead.

– Oprah Winfrey