How do you motivate others?

if you don’t study hard, you will end up broke and unemployed. look at your friends how good they are doing, everyone is studying at least 13-15 hours a day. and you don’t even know what to do with your life! time is running out. you better figure it out now or else it will be too late.

you don’t really work hard. you think you study and you want to study but all you do is get distracted and regret. commitment, dedication is required to be successful. you will end up like a big looser if you don’t take this seriously now. this is the time. you can make or break your career.”

Doesn’t this sound more like criticism than encouragement?

I used to receive such advices or “motivation” from my friends all the time.

Though they meant well, I knew this motivation didn’t last long.

I felt bad and studied well for the next few days, then again I would loose the will to study hard further.

Doesn’t this happen all the time?

But still, we always try to motivate the person in this way. Because we think that making them aware of the “harsh reality” will encourage them to do better.

Deep down we know it doesn’t.

So what works?

In Psychology, we have been taught about the push and pull motivators.

Push is when you feel compelled to do something against your will. You are pushed to do something.

The opposite is pull.

This is when the goal itself pulls you. You take efforts to achieve the goal because you want to. Not because of what everyone said but because you really want to do it.

As you might have guessed,

Pull motivators work most of the time.

When you genuinely realise how important the goal is to you, you are willing to take efforts in that direction.

This works 99% of the time for most of the people.

Next time when you want to motivate someone, or even yourself, try to remind them how important this is for them

Better still, ask questions and let them describe how important the goal is for them.

Then in kind words encourage them to take actions. Make them belive that they can do it. That you trust them.

(Trust is also a good motivator btw)

When they know you’re counting on them to succeed, not in a only-success-is-expected way but a little nicer, I know you can do it well way, they are more likely to make effort and give you the expected results.


– How was your day?

– Good. I studied as expected. I feel productive.

– Oh good. I didn’t really get anything done today. My cousins came over and I had to go for a friend’s birthday party

– That’s okay! You know this is important too. Spending time with your friends and family. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just don’t give up effort. Study well tomorrow

Feeding ego or caring for others?

He was online.

I texted “hey”

One minute.

Two minutes.

Three minutes.

Four minutes.

Five minutes.

No reply.

Still online.

What was he doing?

He’s my boyfriend, is he talking to some other girl?

Maybe he’s busy.

So busy that he can’t even reply after 5 whole minutes?

Oh! He saw the message

Close his chat

Okay he’s typing

“Hi”

What? Just hi?

No apology? Sorry or anything?

He thinks I’m free?

Is he taking me for granted?

Hmm

I shouldn’t see his message soon.

I’ll make him wait.

5 mins?

10 mins?

Oh wait! He’s offline

What the hell?

He should wait for me

Why should I wait for him again?

This was the conversation going on in my mind.

Yesterday when my partner texted me a little late, all these things came to my mind.

I had this strange urge to take revenge. Not something big and scary but treating him the way he treated me. (Tbh it wasn’t his fault)


Doesn’t this happen to us?

Someone, especially our partner does something small and we get maddd. (coz we have such high expectations from them)

We don’t bother to ask what was the reason.

Our immediate impulse reaction is to take revenge. Do the same thing to them.

How silly and stupid that sounds?!

I mean this type of behavior is encouraged so much these days due to media. People making issue about little things that don’t even matter. But we make issue of everything.

Just because we want to feel important.

We want to satisfy our ego.

But is it really that important?

Even at the cost of your relationship?


Few days back I read a book by Deepak Chopra, it’s called “The Ultimate Happiness Prescription”.

Here’s a paragraph from this I could completely relate to –

1. Ego feels isolated and alone. Therefore it needs outside validation in order to belong and have worth.

2. The ego feels limited and bounded. Without power and control over others, it fears that it’s helplessness will be exposed.

And in the same book I read following quotes –

The conditions that make ego happy turn out to make who you really are very unhappy. There is no joy in being in charge, no love in controlling others, no expansion in defending the line between right and wrong.

– Deepak Chopra

.

Sometimes love is blocked by the need to be right,to cling to your own viewpoint instead of surrendering to what love would do.

– Deepak Chopra


After remembering this I let go of my anger and replied to him.

He was actually checking some important notice on WhatsApp and reading it to his parents.

I realised I was wrong and thought too much.

I won’t lie sometimes I do get desparate and want to know what’s going on, I do have these negative thoughts. But I don’t act on those anymore.

I try to stay patient and things become clear eventually.

When we try to satisfy ego, we might loose what really matters to us – people.


Know better do better quotes

What if you had no story?

Your life would be much simpler and more natural. You would have no fear of tomorrow because with nothing at stake about how your story is going, you could accept any experience and let it go. In that state, both freedom and bliss reside.

– Deepak Chopra

Know better do better quotes

When you focus on the present moment, you don’t give up on the relative world. You will still be able to participate in everyday life but with a difference. You will no longer identify with change. The ups and downs of fortune will no longer shake you from your true self. Ordinarily we are so caught up in the changing scene that we don’t notice we’ve slipped out of the present moment.

– Deepak Chopra

What’s the best way to respond to good news?

Let’s say your girlfriend tells you that she has been promoted at work.

How would you respond to it?

Will you say –

A. That’s good. Congrats!

B. But now you will have to work extra hours, have you thought about how to manage everything?

C. What’s for dinner?

D. Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!! Did your boss like the project you made a week ago? Tell me more about it. Let’s celebrate!

Okay so if you are being honest, maybe you’ll say something from A B and C.

The D option is mostly used by girls and their best friends! Am I right ladies?

(When you tell your girl that you’re promoted or something she’s gonna get really excited and insist you to tell the whole story – what happened, how you felt, everything! And then maybe you’ll end up celebrating all night)

Okay I don’t want to be biased here. But in my experience I haven’t received such type of response from my boyfriend or the boys friends that I have. But girls?! Oh the girls! They always say something like that.

You’re still not getting why am I talking about this are you?

Imagine you are telling your best friend or family member or your cousin about your promotion at work.

Which of the above reaction would you like them to give?

How will you feel when they say “good. congrats!”?

Maybe okay. Not so good.

How will you feel when they tell you about the new challenges or problems you might be facing?

That’s such a turnoff. You were so excited and now it’s ruined. Maybe you won’t feel like sharing good news with this person again (unless of course they play a major role in your life). But still a major turnoff.

How will you feel when they ignore what you are saying completely and talk about something else?

Ouch. Who does that? Definitely not telling you next time.

And how would you feel if they get all hyped up and enhance your mood, encourage you to relive the experience and tell them about it. When you see that spark in their eyes that they are really interested and genuinely happy for you, that will make your day.

No doubt. That’s the best response anyone can give. (I am telling you everything from now on. You’re my best friend! 😉 )

Okay so why am I talking so much about how to respond? Why does it matter so much?

It does.

Take a look at this research –

The work of Shelly Gable, a psychologist at the University of California–Los Angeles, has shown that how we respond to positive events, such as a person sharing his or her accomplishments with us, is a better predictor of relationship success than how we respond to negative events

She has shown 4 ways we respond to accomplishments –

A. That’s good. Congrats!

This is passive constructive response.

B. But now you will have to work extra hours, have you thought about how to manage everything?

This is active destructive response.

C. What’s for dinner?

This is passive destructive response.

D. Wow! That’s amazing! Congratulations!! Did your boss like the project you made a week ago? Tell me more about it. Let’s celebrate!

This active constructive response. (ACR)

ACR creates what Fredrickson and Joiner call “upward spirals” of positive emotions—extending the sharer’s enjoyment beyond the discovery or event itself, and building positive capacity so that the relationship will be better able to weather negative events.

– From the book – Joy of leadership (by Tal Ben Shahar and Angus Ridgway)

So research has found that how you respond to good news of eachother strengthens the relationship. And ACR, active constructive response is the best one to give.

Try next time giving such ACR feedback to your friends, colleagues or even family member’s good news.

Have you noticed this before?

That if someone responds to your good news with the same excitement and enthusiasm and is eager to listen and celebrate with you, you feel closer to that person emotionally.

I have definitely felt so before. (That’s the reason I adore my friends so much…)

But anyway,

Tell me about your experience. Will you try this? Lemme know what you think about it.

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